Melissa: A Long Road for Answers
S9, Ep. 3: Melissa
Melissa was adopted at birth in 1965 in Little Rock, AR. Her adoptive parents were able to take her home at five days old straight from the hospital since it was a private adoption facilitated by the doctors and lawyer. Understanding the signs of the times as she grew, she never felt rejected by her birth mother. Her life has been full and blessed from the beginning. For most of her life, she declared there wasn’t a desire to search when asked. However, searching for familiar faces in a crowd and then internet and social media searches crept throughout different periods of her lifetime. Holding her daughter and then her son two years later increased her desire to have biological connections that had been missing in her life. When her adoptive father began having health problems, she knew it was time to get serious about her search.
Submitting DNA led to close matches on her paternal and maternal sides. Through these connections she was able to identify her living birth father and then 2 years later her living birth mother. When her search journey began, she had two conscious thoughts about how it would unfold:
1. "Everyone who could be adversely affected are adults. My children, their children, etc. Adults can do hard things. This has to be God's timing for us to connect."
2. All the adoption stories, movies, or books she had encountered up to that point had wonderful, happy endings where everyone reconnected and was grateful to do so.
She quickly realized how wrong she was on both counts. This is why podcasts like this one and books like The Girls Who Went Away are so vital. She’s met family members on both sides who have been welcoming but UNJUSTIFIED rejection has been the prevailing theme of her story. One sibling in particular has put up barriers trying to prevent her from connecting with her birth mother. The measures this sibling has taken are truly unbelievable especially since this sibling proclaims to be Christian and Pro-Life. Until she started researching beyond the idyllic stories, she wouldn't have found the peace needed to understand why her journey had been so difficult.
Discussing the emotional aspect of her adoption journey is something she often leaves out when telling her story. It became apparent when she used "the" instead of "my" in front of "birth mother." The facts of her story are so startling that people typically react to those, leaving her emotional experiences buried beneath the surface. Additionally, her need to protect her birth mother's privacy has been a driving force. She wishes she had more time with her birth mother to ask about her feelings and thoughts during the pregnancy and since then. That might allow "my" to naturally take over when referring to her birth mother in conversations. Her birth mother's sister and brother-in-law are the only people still alive who walked the journey with her back in 1965. She feels that her birth mother would have expressed her genuine desire to meet her to those who had known about her existence from the beginning. While she longs for a deeper connection, she considers the short interactions she’s had as blessings to hold on to.
Family members who were unaware of her existence have expressed that they now understand Nancy, her birth mother, much better. Her brother noted that her existence sheds light on his sense of disconnect with their mother while growing up. Embarrassment—either of the family or the church—drove many of Nancy’s disciplinary decisions during his teenage years. She struggles with having difficult conversations on any subject. He believes that their birth mother tells her one thing and the rest of the family something else, based on what she thinks each person wants to hear. However, she believes that her birth mother has been honest with her and her sister about her true feelings. Her birth mother's sister and brother-in-law are the only people still alive who walked the journey with her back in 1965. She feels that her birth mother would have expressed her genuine desire to meet her to those who had known about her existence from the beginning.
You Should Be Grateful: Stories of Race, Identify, and Transracial Adoption by Angela Tucker
Here is a link to order her book: bookshop link.
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RESOURCES for Adoptees
S12F Helping Adoptees
Gregory Luce and Adoptees Rights Law
Joe Soll & other adoptee resources
Fireside Adoptees Facebook Group
Reckoning with the Primal Wound Documentary
Dr. Liz Debetta: Migrating Toward Wholeness Movement
Hiraeth Hope & Healing
Moses Farrow - Trauma therapist and advocate
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-8255 OR Dial or Text 988.
Unraveling Adoption with Beth Syverson
Adoptees Connect with Pamela Karanova
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